I haven’t written anything in some time but all I can say is at least I am trying to be more consistent. So much has happened over the last few weeks. The biggest news is that we found out we are pregnant on March 4, 2011 which was huge news for us! This whole pregnancy thing is really leading to an undoing of things I didn’t know had a hold on me as well as a great shaping of who I am as a woman. I’m really not certain as to where this blog is going so I hope you can just go with the flow of my fingers as they type out the unfolding of my heart during this time of my life. I welcome you to share in my process over the next several months.
I have allowed the thought of eternity to terrorize me my entire life but I was created to be eternal so am now learning to thoroughly embrace it.
Being pregnant has really stirred up this fear of eternity and heaven I have always had. I just realized so clearly now that I’m having a baby that I am a human being who will one day pass away. I realized I am going to raise a generation who will raise another generation and so on until this world ends. From that perspective my life seemed awfully short and left me staring into the face of earthly death and then eternal life. I always chose to keep the fear to myself because surely it was far too silly to talk about and no one else ever felt this way but me. The thought of seeing God in person was terrifying, the concept of eternity or existing outside of time was and is far beyond my comprehension which makes it difficult to believe in. What if all I believe turns out to be a lie? What if I get bored in Heaven? After all, forever is a long time. What if I’m expected to discontinue the relationships with my loved ones here on earth because I will be so in love with God I simply forget about them? Those thoughts may not sound so bad but for me they were likely to induce a panic if I was not adequately prepared to have them and just as quickly disregard them. Disregarding a fear is never a solution. So, I talked to Kenny. Then together, we talked to our friend Jenn.
Opening up and allowing light and love to shine on the fear is where the solution will always lie. Being afraid of eternity is just a lie meant to distract me from who I am. Heaven is not something I was created to enjoy one day after I die. Heaven is something I was created to enjoy now. I am not destined for heaven rather heaven was destined for me and the rest of humanity. Am I afraid of God now when I don’t see him face to face? No! I encounter him and have seen him do wonderful things for me and my family. I adore his presence and I believe in him for more every day. Are there things I believe in now that are beyond my comprehension? Absolutely! I can’t even comprehend what is going on inside me as this tiny person develops. That is what got me thinking in the first place. I am witnessing my very first miracle. The wonder of creation is going on inside me and I don’t comprehend it but that doesn’t mean it isn’t happening or that I have to be afraid of it. I get to treasure the signs and wonders of God happening within me! This is experiencing the supernatural like I never dreamed of experiencing it! Is my God one who has absolutely no regard for family, relationships and love? Quite the opposite actually. He values my loved ones and our relationships more than I could ever dream of. Why on earth would I imagine he would want to see our relationships end because of Him? If anything he would want to see the bonds grow stronger and we would be capable of new levels of love.
I was created to live with an unabashed love that would overflow onto my children and their children and their children’s children. Heaven is simply living in love and allowing myself to be the me God always intended. I don’t have to be afraid of something I’m already beginning to experience. Life doesn’t look so short now. It looks like a season of experiencing the wonderful things He has for me and our family. Life looks like preparing generations after me to be able to welcome Heaven in their daily lives without fear.
Today, I open my arms wide, take a step toward eternity and welcome this unique season of love.